Jan, June 21, 2012

I wanted to write this on Jan's birthday but I could not hold back the tears to put words on paper. So I'll try again. Actually I have been writing a little for several days. On June 16, 1933, God gave Tolbert and Anna Counts a great blessing, a baby girl who they named Janive. At the same time God gave me a most precious blessing my wife to be. In reality Jan and I knew and liked each other in grade school and dated throughout high school and college until we got married. This past week I celebrated her birthday in both joy and sorrow. Joy for the 58 years of married life to an angel here on earth and sorrow in my loss of her love and companionship here on earth. Joy in knowing that she is in heaven with her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Joy in knowing that she is in her heavenly body without pain of any kind and beauty beyond description that my mind can't begin to comprehend. Joy in knowing that someday I will join her in heaven and what a joyous reunion that will be. While I still grieve over living without her the promise and assurance of that future joy makes it bearable.

My life now is filled with memories and the simple everyday things that remind me of her and these strike cords of joy and sorrow. Everything in our house, yard, music I hear, songs I hear on the radio bring these memories. On my recent trip of nearly 7,000 miles driving also brought back such thoughts. Jan and I and our four girls made the coast to coast round trip twice as we  went and came from assignment in Japan. On these trips we hurried through many of the National Parks I recently visited. As I was driving I would remember that we ate at a particular restaurant or stayed at a particular motel. We hurried through the Painted Desert, the Petrified Forrest, The Grand Canyon  and I would think how she would appreciated a certain thing especially colors. At the National Parks that we never got to see together my thoughts turned to her and thoughts such as " Jan you would have loved to see this." She truly would have because she loved and appreciated the beauty and majesty of God's creation flawed as it is by sin. To this day, over a year since her passing I still have people tell me  what a blessing Jan was to them through her words or notes. This happened this weekend at church. Our daughter Joyce from New York came to visit me as a surprise Father's Day present.  Joyce sat next to a lady who told Joyce " your mother was such a blessing and encouragement to me ". Jan did these things without notice by others, often times without my knowledge. That was Jan, a most loving and caring person who quietly and without fanfare did what Jesus would do. Often times when I was scheduled to have a meeting at church which promised to be rough she would write a note and place it in my bible or notes where I would find it and tell me she loved me and was praying for me during the meeting. She did this regularly.

She never let a day go by without telling me how much she loved me.She totally dedicated her every waking moment to taking care of me and the girls. I told her I loved her and appreciated her care of me and the girls but in looking back no matter how much I told her it now seems to have never been enough. Today every time I pass by one of her photographs on one pops up on the computer screen saver I tell her how much I love her and miss her.

Besides her love and care , I never realized how much I relied upon her for advice and council. I made the decisions but never without running my hair brained ideas by her. When she hesitated about doing a particular thing it usually meant to be safe, don't do it. When I ignored these warning signs it turned out to be a disaster. I soon learned to to listen to her. Jan had the spiritual gift of giving and discernment. She was most helpful on matters at church. I am completely lost without her to bounce ideas off of on matters around the house and I can't seem to pull the trigger and get things done. Yes, I know and I can do call on the Lord to help direct me and He does. God gave men wives to be help mates and I miss her help.

So, belatedly these are a few of my feeble attempt to pay tribute to the love of my life, Jan, in memory of her and her birthday.